Q. "My child is a quirky eater. Am I wrong to assume that because "everyone" has issues around food of one sort of another these days, it's silly to worry?"
  There is often a thin line between what is normal and what is pathological when it comes to food and eating. The determining factor is the purpose and motivation that the eating behavior carries for the affected individual. As an example, if skipping breakfast occurs because a child is late for school, the situation is far less critical than if she felt she had no choice but to deny herself food and satiety if her morning were to be free from guilt, fear, regret and anxiety.

   Even if your child's eating-related issues have not yet become diagnosed as clinical disorders, the concerns and attitudes driving the eating quirks or dysfunctions may still warrant some clinical attention. Destructive underlying attitudes are often more damaging than behaviors. Values, eating irregularities, diets, body image concerns and preoccupations can all put a child at high risk to develop an eating disorder. Also, in terms of the potential for prevention, it is far easier to deal with issues and attitudes before they become problems, to change your child's mind rather than ask her to break intractable habits.

Q. "It disturbs me that I find myself being so consistently critical of my nine year old daughter because she wants to wear nail polish, indecent halters tops, high heel shoes and take no lunch to school because "nobody eats lunch." I wish I could find a less confrontational way to communicate what I feel is important."
  Why not replace prohibitions with positive parenting messages? It might be helpful to find more positive and substantive ways to engage with your daughter. Lunching and shopping may not be not as valuable for the child's emotional development as field trips together to the planetarium, volunteering on a Saturday morning at a neighborhood nature preserve, distributing meals to the homeless, or attending religious services together. Such activities teach children a vision of the world around them as being greater then themselves. While connecting with parents, kids engaged in such activities develop a sense of meaning in life and healthy passions that extend beyond the self. Your child's self-esteem derives largely from the contribution he or she can make to the community, to the manner in which he can "give back" to society, not from his or her appearance.

Q. My child asked me "Do I look fat?" I felt as though I didn't know what to say, but that anything that came out of my mouth at that time was going to have tremendous impact."
   You're correct in thinking that with this question you are walking into a conversation trap. If you answer, "Yes," your child will never forgive you. If you answer "No," your child won't believe or trust you. The most meaningful response to this question would be, "What makes you wonder about this?" "Why do you question your appearance at this particular time?" "Do you not trust yourself and your own perceptions to answer this question for and within yourself?" "Are there other areas in your life where you also are feeling that you can't trust your own perceptions?" Your goal in answering a question like this is to assist the child to know herself, her fears, and her anxieties more profoundly.
  You might also do well to let her know that it sounds as though her question may signify some underlying fear, that though it sounds as if she is asking about her weight, you sense that her concerns are more far reaching and deeper than that.

Last updated on 04-05-2002